Who are you?

Who are you?

1 Peter 4:7-11

7The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. 8Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 9Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. 10Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. 11If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Matthew 11:28—30

28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Galatians 5:1

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

I think every body here has a pretty good idea of what stress is - we’ve all felt it - maybe some more than others.

But have you every really thought about why women seem to carry an enormous amount of stress?

It’s mind boggling what the world expects from us:

Super Mom, Best sister, respectful and helpful daughter, successful business woman, awesome housekeeper, professional child minder, personal shopper, excellent and uncomplaining maid, top student, holy Christian, accountable and brilliant ministry leader, not to mention all sorts of external qualities: (it’s not enough that we perform all these functions but while we’re at it, we better look good too) thin, beautiful, perfect skin, gorgeous face, trim buns, strength of a bear, speed of a puma…. And what were those women’s libbers thinking?

All this and voting as well??! Now we need to be responsible for snotty nosed politicians too?

You tell me how do you cope ? People keep asking me when I’m going to have babies, I keep thinking "WHAT???!!! Are you insane? I can’t barely find time to have a cup of tea in the day - now I must fit a crying, hungry infant into that space?"

I’m sorry, I haven’t even had a chance to finish being a kid! I don’t want to responsible for another human being’s mental health! I don’t know what to do with my life, how can I tell another human being what they should do with their life?

And if you don’t manage to do all this and be all this; if there’s a hair out of place or mom (or worse, your mother in law) comes round and the windows aren’t sparkling and your children, or guests can’t eat of your 'mirror finish' kitchen floor, you’re a bad wife or a bad mother or a failed woman who isn’t honouring those that gave their bras in the struggle for female equality!!

What’s wrong with you, why don’t you look perfect and control the world with a flick of your little finger, why can’t you be everywhere, do everything and know where every inanimate object that belongs to any member of your family is, at any one time in the history of the world? What’s wrong with you?

If you crack, you’re inefficient, incapable and not good enough!

And all the time you’re looking at all the other women around you, wondering if you’re the only one whose tied your life together this morning with lace and ribbons (it’s gotta look good) and plugged the holes in your facade with illuminating, age defying, moisture rich, long lasting, collagen boosting, cover all, wrinkle filling base.

Quite frankly I’m surprised there’s a sane one among us.

Just think what incredible strength God must have placed in us. You sure won’t see men managing the same regime.

I’m sure you’ve all heard that we should be displaying a “quiet gentle spirit”, first time I heard that, it was accompanied with the implication that, that very same spirit was what was gonna get me a husband, course my first thought was; "Well that’s me, I’m screwed, no husband for me, EVER!"

I could see in myself, nothing that vaguely resembled quiet or gentle.

Or how about the statement that in a marriage,we are the “help meets” . Ever wonder what that even means? I’ll tell you what it means, it means that it’s your job is to carry your man and everything in his whole world on your shoulders every where you go, even though you have a whole life of your own with responsibilities outside of your family and marriage.

I know in a perfect world your husband would do the same for you, but this isn’t a perfect world, it’s a broken one and the truth is, though some of our men may try, essentially we’re innately rather selfish beings, after all we are human.

On the mom side, I’ve watched whole families, marriages and indeed people, buckle under the weight of the responsibility that’s sitting on their shoulders. Families where the men can’t seem to pick up their role as father and head and women who literally crumble under the pressure of being mom and dad.

Of course people don’t seem to acknowledge the fact that most of these crumbling moms, getting up and crack of dawn, feeding, bathing, making beds, dressing, cooking, cleaning, showering and dressing themselves, taxi-duty, dropping and racing to work all before 8am, also have full-time jobs, and lunchtime is really a euphemism for taxi, cook, feed, taxi, and back to the grindstone. By 5pm they’re finished work but really the work has only just begun, its lifts home and bathing and cooking and feeding and serving and washing dishes and cleaning up toys and stories and bed time and between this find time to iron a shirt and put away socks and get everyone to stay in bed and by the time they finally make it to their own pillow, the master of the house wonders why she doesn’t feel like snuggling up! She hasn’t got the energy man!

And this doesn’t include all the weekend and monthly duties of shopping for groceries, clothes (for kids and dad because neither have a clue), cleaning the house, changing the linen, washing the clothes, ironing (boy does that pile up!).

And BY THE WAY between 8 and 5 you better be at the top of your game because now you’re being watched by a whole ‘nother group of people who expect you to give 110% to your job, even if it is the most mundane, uninteresting and unfulfilling job you could possibly hope to have, even if they know you feel undervalued, uncared for and underpaid. They really honestly don’t care, most of them aren’t really in control of the money anyway and they’re in the same boat themselves but your performance reflects on them so you better be putting in more than the required effort and hours. Kids? A life? We don’t care, we want you here, no excuses! And don’t you dare bring your home life to work!

Reach your targets, exceed expectations and blow us away or you’re not performing, not good enough, out on your butt on the very cold door-step!

Oh yes and by the way we know you only get paid peanuts but you better come to work wearing something that looks like we pay you well!

Maybe you’re not a mother, but you find that your marriage or relationship turned out to have some hidden clauses in the deal. You stand in the kitchen with your arms in the sink, wondering how you got here… I’m sure that I never agreed to be all this to him…. When did I sign up for this?… I was quite happy to do things for him out of love but somehow it got a bit out of hand and now I do everything and I’m really not quiet happy about this arrangement.

Sadly so many just stay there, wondering if they should say something, but 10 years on, it’s a bit late to start moving the goal posts...

Oh and ladies if you thought being a mom or a wife was bad, try getting a degree that gets you the same job with the same pay as your male counterpart, work your butt off for fair grades, for 4 to 7 years and that might give you the chance to get a job, maybe you’ll even be able to get one in SA, perhaps a decent salary that’ll get you through paying your student loans in, oh I don’t know, 10 or 15 years… oh wait - did you see the interest rates just sky-rocketing - make that twenty! Oh and don’t be thinking you’d love to be a student… It’s hard work, particularly as a Christian, trying to keep your head above the tidal wave of pressure, social, financial, spiritual, familial, academic, alcoholic, it’s like being caught in a storm! And I haven’t even mentioned actual work load or exams!

Perhaps you’re one of those women who has been trapped in a very seldom discussed area of familial pressure? Is an adult family member draining you of advice and treating you as their personal psychologist, personal disaster management expert and sugar mommy? Or maybe you’ve even ended up in a co-dependant relationship with a longstanding friend.

Do you have someone in your life that seems to be draining your life force in tiny barely noticeable increments but leaving you in an emotional and spiritual dessert? Does this person suck the energy and enthusiasm from your life and though you know it’s bad for you but you can’t seem to walk away, either because they are family or you’re feeling responsible for this person?

Or hey, try being a leader in the church, every man is watching to see if you can handle it, what will you do, how will you cope with the politics of leadership or manage the men in the leadership? Every female eye is on you too, can you do it, if you screw it up, we’ll never try, but if you manage maybe, just maybe I can do it too.

There’s always a bit of mumbling and rumbling when women are in leadership in the church… Is it right? Is it godly?

Maybe you just feel like everyone is looking at you and you have to try really hard to put on a pretty face to be acceptable. Although there may not be anyone in particular that you think is watching you, you feel like to need to beautify before you leave the bedroom and never be seen in public without that makeup mask. Gym three days a week, constant dieting, toning and sport but not for the pleasure - just for the burn!

But the real problem that we’re all facing right now is that because of all this, where it was once easy for women to become vulnerable and honest with each other, now as the world and enemy push and crush us into these little boxes we start to wonder what other (Christian) women think of us and our efforts to cover all the bases.

If only we could all realise the truth - we’re all in the same boat struggling with the same things, fighting the same battles. If you’re wondering if I’m exaggerating a little, tell me, who on earth is buying all those self help books?

What we really need to do, and I challenge you to really do this, is let go of the things you’re hiding behind, just let it all hang out. You need to know that you’re not the only one, struggling with your teenager, your weight, trying to make your husband happy, getting it all together, feeling fat, feeling ugly, feeling under attack, like nothing ever goes right, like you’re held responsible for all the ills of the world.

If you’re anything like me you need to talk through those things that you’re struggling with to find a solution or a way forward, and if your husband is anything like mine then, by his own admission, he’s not much good at listening.

I have good news for you, all around you are women who are!

Proverbs 16:24 (New International Version)

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Exercise:

Which of these stereotypes do you feel like you’re desperately trying to fill:

Super Mom/Wife,

are you trying to be all and everything to your kids and epitomize those ‘perfect moms’ in the child care manuals your mother/aunt/mother-in-law handed you when you first fell pregnant? Or trying to live up to the ‘perfection that was his mother’?

Ultimate daughter/sister/mother/in law/ friend

(adult relationships),are you the unpaid psychologist/ undervalued personal nurse/shopper/caregiver of an adult member of your family?

Successful business woman or top student,

are you striving to be the business woman/high academic achiever of the year but not because it’s your dream?

Awesome housekeeper/personal shopper,

are you wondering if you should quit your job and start a new career as a housekeeper, at least you’ll get paid for all this cleaning then!?

Holy Christian, accountable and brilliant ministry leader,

are you striving to keep that ill fitting ‘perfect holy Christian’ mask on, keep it all together, keeping it all clean and still manage to produce the goods, all the while looking holy and righteous?

Unpaid super model!

are you always looking in the mirror and wondering if you look good enough? Whether it’s your skin, your waist line,your muscle tone, your clothing your make up or whatever, that gets you there?

Spend time in prayer asking God to show you where you've allowed the world or circumstance to force you to try and conform to a mold that doesn't really fit and actually isn't realistic. Talk to a friend about these stereotypes and discover that you're not alone!