What is shaping you?

What is shaping you?

Imagine with me the last time you went into a clothing shop and needed to stand in one of those incredibly accusatory changing stalls. I don’t know how they think they’re going to sell us anything, when you look into those mirrors all you see is every tiny little flaw, and for those of us passed 25ish, each droop, each wrinkle, lump of cellulite and skin so pale and sickly you start wondering if you should pop across the road to the doc and have a check up just as soon as you manage to peel off those pants and get your own more comfortable well loved clothes on again! Of course you can rest assured if you manage to look good in THOSE mirrors—you’re a stunning sight out in the real world and sunlight!

When we look at ourselves we see our humanness, our own brokenness. No one else knows better than us, exactly how awful, ghastly and horrid we are, inside and out.
And we are convinced that what we look like, or more importantly, how we are perceived is the most important aspect of who we are to others.

The real crux though is the very real fear that lurks behind our eyes when we look into those mirrors:
“Is what I see here, what everyone else can see when they look at me?”
"Can you see in my eyes the pain, the scars I carry? Is it possible you might know?"

We are convinced that these things are why we can’t or won’t be used by God, or perhaps can’t or won’t be forgiven or free. That there is no where to go to release the pain or the hurts, that we’re stuck like this, in our awful earth suits, without relief or release, forever, or at least certainly till we die.

Matthew 11:28—30
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Isaiah 53:5
But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.

Matthew 8:16
When evening came, many who were demon-possessed were brought to him, and he drove out the spirits with a word and healed all the sick.

Matthew 9:22
Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.

I guarantee that everyone in this room is carrying something that they are terrified someday everyone might know about.
Things we wouldn’t dare share for the condemnation would be more than we could bear.

Wait, I seem to remember something...

Romans 8:1
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,[a]

"Ah!" You say, "well of course, God doesn’t condemn you….but PEOPLE, well now that’s a very different story."
I agree, the opportunity to let go of your burdens in the safety of relationship with your members of your church family, is a very rare thing indeed.

John 8:7
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."

Isn’t it interesting that it was a women in this story — aren’t we usually the first to throw the stones?

Many of us are held captive by hurts and scars from years of lies, trespass against us, verbal, physical, sexual or even things we did that we are so ashamed of, if someone knew, we just know it would make us curl up and die.

Some of us have been brave enough to share those things but the chains are still there, holding us back outside of God’s presence, far from his face.
Every woman chained is ashamed, cowering away from her family, partner, community and each just outside of the circle of light desperate to be in that light but terrified of what the light will reveal of herself.

You need to know that we as women are particularly unique and special in the scheme of God’s great plan, let me tell you some things about you:

You were formed with purpose and plan
Jeremiah 1:5 (NIV)
 5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew [a] you,
       before you were born I set you apart;
       I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

You were created I the image of God - it’s right at the beginning of the bible cause it’s really important!
Genesis 1:26
26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, [a] and over all the creatures that move along the ground."

You are amazing and wonderful
Psalm 139:13-16,
13 For you created my inmost being;
       you knit me together in my mother's womb.
 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
       your works are wonderful,
       I know that full well.
 15 My frame was not hidden from you
       when I was made in the secret place.
       When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
 16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
       All the days ordained for me
       were written in your book
       before one of them came to be.

God does not see what men see when he looks at you
1 Sam 16:7
 7 But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Woman is the only creation God made that was not made from dust—You’re special, different, set apart.
Genesis 2:22
22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib [a] he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

Ashamed is not a natural state for a woman to be, it was a result of the fall
Genesis 2:25
25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Your outer appearance is not what makes you beautiful
1 Peter 3:3-4
3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

The thing is, imagine your life, family, job, work situation, without you in it. Can you see lost people, what if you never existed, how many people would no longer exist if you hadn’t been. I bet Jesus’ mother didn’t think she was all that, but if she hadn’t been, we’d all be doomed.
In women, lies the future, life and the nations. We have been bestowed with the amazing ability to bring life.
Man can not do this, it is our destiny alone. In addition we’ve been bestowed with the strength to withstand the process of giving life and nurturing it. It is sad that in many minds we have been limited to this role and the role itself has diminished in the eyes of the world until there is no awe or respect for it. but God has anointed us to be the instrument to bring his new life to the world, generation after generation. How amazing!

I’m not just talking about giving birth either, it’s not women who go off to fight battles or destroy nations, conquering or battling. Women are the nurses, the educators, the care givers, the survivors. If it weren’t for women, the men of the world would have blown themselves up in the first round and cancelled the human race before it even began! Cain and Abel certainly tried their best to establish that pattern as early on as possible.

Now—if you’re thinking along these lines now, do you begin to see a different picture flickering in the mirror?

See, if we’re keeping the balance, giving life and nurturing, healing, growing, feeding and educating, the people of God are uplifted, equipped and ready for battle, but if the women are wiped out the men will never rally, and they’ll lose the battle. We are called helpers because they NEED our help. We’re essential to the Spiritual war. And the men are crippled because we’re all home dismantling our self images and caught up in our own wound licking.

But why are we so riddled with wounds you ask?

An excellent question:
If you don’t know you’re under attack are you likely to fight back?

1 Peter 5:8 (New International Version)
8Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

He’s sneaking up on you, making you think your enemy is the church, your boss, your husband/boyfriend, the world, your father, your mother, your siblings, the cosmo models, the prof that’s requiring the impossible of you…

The question swimming in your mind now must be, but why am I so plagued with all these thoughts of inadequacy and brokenness then, if I’m so special?
Well ‘cause you’re special, of course! Huh?

You see if God bestowed on you the most important purpose of conveying, nurturing and sustaining life, then you’re key to the battle plan, right? and if the Devil can take the troops down before they’re even born by crippling the life-givers, well, hell! Of course he’s there like a bear!

If he can convince you of your ugliness, your inadequacy, your failure, your disgusting awfulness, then he can cut you down and destroy you and make you completely ineffective in the great battle plan God has laid out.

For some of us, all it takes is a harsh word, straight at the old scar we first received when we were 5 years old in the playground from that mean bully who told us we were fat, or even from our mother at 12 when we first tried make up and was told we looked like a tart. For some, an odd look or lack of respect or a raised eyebrow, contempt or distain. Or perhaps years of wearing down through constant pressure. Or maybe we believed the lie that we were unlovable because our family was the kind that never hugged.. Every rejection big and small just confirmed the lie after that.

Are you caught in the chain of lies that the scheming and deceitful enemy has carefully, strategically, incrementally wrapped around your heart and soul, chaining you to your demons and pain? Did you know it really easy to break free, you just need to have faith.

Faith in what? Things unseen.

Yes, you need to be honest with yourself of course, confess your strongholds, the places where the enemy has his claws in you, recognise them for what they are, even perhaps have someone pray with you for God to heal the lie in your past to free you from the roots of the chains, but then believe you have been set free even if you don’t feel free immediately, as I did. And live wisely after, watching for the attacks, recognising them for what they are and actively doing warfare in your defense.

But warfare isn’t our thing! Well no, but that scripture, “run the good race, fight the good fight” doesn’t start “Men run the good race…” nor does it end “.. And women make the tea.”
Each of us needs to put on the armor of God, put on Christ (Rom 13:24), remembering always that every weapon Christ had at his disposal is ours too. And more powerful than anything the enemy can bring against us is the guy on our side standing right behind us, the Creator of the UNIVERSE!

Isaiah 58:8
8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
       and your healing will quickly appear;
       then your righteousness [a] will go before you,
       and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

Deut 33:27,
27 The eternal God is your refuge,
       and underneath are the everlasting arms.
       He will drive out your enemy before you,
       saying, 'Destroy him!'

2 Sam 22: 20,
20 He brought me out into a spacious place;
       he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Who are you?

Who are you?

1 Peter 4:7-11

7The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. 8Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 9Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. 10Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. 11If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Matthew 11:28—30

28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Galatians 5:1

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

I think every body here has a pretty good idea of what stress is - we’ve all felt it - maybe some more than others.

But have you every really thought about why women seem to carry an enormous amount of stress?

It’s mind boggling what the world expects from us:

Super Mom, Best sister, respectful and helpful daughter, successful business woman, awesome housekeeper, professional child minder, personal shopper, excellent and uncomplaining maid, top student, holy Christian, accountable and brilliant ministry leader, not to mention all sorts of external qualities: (it’s not enough that we perform all these functions but while we’re at it, we better look good too) thin, beautiful, perfect skin, gorgeous face, trim buns, strength of a bear, speed of a puma…. And what were those women’s libbers thinking?

All this and voting as well??! Now we need to be responsible for snotty nosed politicians too?

You tell me how do you cope ? People keep asking me when I’m going to have babies, I keep thinking "WHAT???!!! Are you insane? I can’t barely find time to have a cup of tea in the day - now I must fit a crying, hungry infant into that space?"

I’m sorry, I haven’t even had a chance to finish being a kid! I don’t want to responsible for another human being’s mental health! I don’t know what to do with my life, how can I tell another human being what they should do with their life?

And if you don’t manage to do all this and be all this; if there’s a hair out of place or mom (or worse, your mother in law) comes round and the windows aren’t sparkling and your children, or guests can’t eat of your 'mirror finish' kitchen floor, you’re a bad wife or a bad mother or a failed woman who isn’t honouring those that gave their bras in the struggle for female equality!!

What’s wrong with you, why don’t you look perfect and control the world with a flick of your little finger, why can’t you be everywhere, do everything and know where every inanimate object that belongs to any member of your family is, at any one time in the history of the world? What’s wrong with you?

If you crack, you’re inefficient, incapable and not good enough!

And all the time you’re looking at all the other women around you, wondering if you’re the only one whose tied your life together this morning with lace and ribbons (it’s gotta look good) and plugged the holes in your facade with illuminating, age defying, moisture rich, long lasting, collagen boosting, cover all, wrinkle filling base.

Quite frankly I’m surprised there’s a sane one among us.

Just think what incredible strength God must have placed in us. You sure won’t see men managing the same regime.

I’m sure you’ve all heard that we should be displaying a “quiet gentle spirit”, first time I heard that, it was accompanied with the implication that, that very same spirit was what was gonna get me a husband, course my first thought was; "Well that’s me, I’m screwed, no husband for me, EVER!"

I could see in myself, nothing that vaguely resembled quiet or gentle.

Or how about the statement that in a marriage,we are the “help meets” . Ever wonder what that even means? I’ll tell you what it means, it means that it’s your job is to carry your man and everything in his whole world on your shoulders every where you go, even though you have a whole life of your own with responsibilities outside of your family and marriage.

I know in a perfect world your husband would do the same for you, but this isn’t a perfect world, it’s a broken one and the truth is, though some of our men may try, essentially we’re innately rather selfish beings, after all we are human.

On the mom side, I’ve watched whole families, marriages and indeed people, buckle under the weight of the responsibility that’s sitting on their shoulders. Families where the men can’t seem to pick up their role as father and head and women who literally crumble under the pressure of being mom and dad.

Of course people don’t seem to acknowledge the fact that most of these crumbling moms, getting up and crack of dawn, feeding, bathing, making beds, dressing, cooking, cleaning, showering and dressing themselves, taxi-duty, dropping and racing to work all before 8am, also have full-time jobs, and lunchtime is really a euphemism for taxi, cook, feed, taxi, and back to the grindstone. By 5pm they’re finished work but really the work has only just begun, its lifts home and bathing and cooking and feeding and serving and washing dishes and cleaning up toys and stories and bed time and between this find time to iron a shirt and put away socks and get everyone to stay in bed and by the time they finally make it to their own pillow, the master of the house wonders why she doesn’t feel like snuggling up! She hasn’t got the energy man!

And this doesn’t include all the weekend and monthly duties of shopping for groceries, clothes (for kids and dad because neither have a clue), cleaning the house, changing the linen, washing the clothes, ironing (boy does that pile up!).

And BY THE WAY between 8 and 5 you better be at the top of your game because now you’re being watched by a whole ‘nother group of people who expect you to give 110% to your job, even if it is the most mundane, uninteresting and unfulfilling job you could possibly hope to have, even if they know you feel undervalued, uncared for and underpaid. They really honestly don’t care, most of them aren’t really in control of the money anyway and they’re in the same boat themselves but your performance reflects on them so you better be putting in more than the required effort and hours. Kids? A life? We don’t care, we want you here, no excuses! And don’t you dare bring your home life to work!

Reach your targets, exceed expectations and blow us away or you’re not performing, not good enough, out on your butt on the very cold door-step!

Oh yes and by the way we know you only get paid peanuts but you better come to work wearing something that looks like we pay you well!

Maybe you’re not a mother, but you find that your marriage or relationship turned out to have some hidden clauses in the deal. You stand in the kitchen with your arms in the sink, wondering how you got here… I’m sure that I never agreed to be all this to him…. When did I sign up for this?… I was quite happy to do things for him out of love but somehow it got a bit out of hand and now I do everything and I’m really not quiet happy about this arrangement.

Sadly so many just stay there, wondering if they should say something, but 10 years on, it’s a bit late to start moving the goal posts...

Oh and ladies if you thought being a mom or a wife was bad, try getting a degree that gets you the same job with the same pay as your male counterpart, work your butt off for fair grades, for 4 to 7 years and that might give you the chance to get a job, maybe you’ll even be able to get one in SA, perhaps a decent salary that’ll get you through paying your student loans in, oh I don’t know, 10 or 15 years… oh wait - did you see the interest rates just sky-rocketing - make that twenty! Oh and don’t be thinking you’d love to be a student… It’s hard work, particularly as a Christian, trying to keep your head above the tidal wave of pressure, social, financial, spiritual, familial, academic, alcoholic, it’s like being caught in a storm! And I haven’t even mentioned actual work load or exams!

Perhaps you’re one of those women who has been trapped in a very seldom discussed area of familial pressure? Is an adult family member draining you of advice and treating you as their personal psychologist, personal disaster management expert and sugar mommy? Or maybe you’ve even ended up in a co-dependant relationship with a longstanding friend.

Do you have someone in your life that seems to be draining your life force in tiny barely noticeable increments but leaving you in an emotional and spiritual dessert? Does this person suck the energy and enthusiasm from your life and though you know it’s bad for you but you can’t seem to walk away, either because they are family or you’re feeling responsible for this person?

Or hey, try being a leader in the church, every man is watching to see if you can handle it, what will you do, how will you cope with the politics of leadership or manage the men in the leadership? Every female eye is on you too, can you do it, if you screw it up, we’ll never try, but if you manage maybe, just maybe I can do it too.

There’s always a bit of mumbling and rumbling when women are in leadership in the church… Is it right? Is it godly?

Maybe you just feel like everyone is looking at you and you have to try really hard to put on a pretty face to be acceptable. Although there may not be anyone in particular that you think is watching you, you feel like to need to beautify before you leave the bedroom and never be seen in public without that makeup mask. Gym three days a week, constant dieting, toning and sport but not for the pleasure - just for the burn!

But the real problem that we’re all facing right now is that because of all this, where it was once easy for women to become vulnerable and honest with each other, now as the world and enemy push and crush us into these little boxes we start to wonder what other (Christian) women think of us and our efforts to cover all the bases.

If only we could all realise the truth - we’re all in the same boat struggling with the same things, fighting the same battles. If you’re wondering if I’m exaggerating a little, tell me, who on earth is buying all those self help books?

What we really need to do, and I challenge you to really do this, is let go of the things you’re hiding behind, just let it all hang out. You need to know that you’re not the only one, struggling with your teenager, your weight, trying to make your husband happy, getting it all together, feeling fat, feeling ugly, feeling under attack, like nothing ever goes right, like you’re held responsible for all the ills of the world.

If you’re anything like me you need to talk through those things that you’re struggling with to find a solution or a way forward, and if your husband is anything like mine then, by his own admission, he’s not much good at listening.

I have good news for you, all around you are women who are!

Proverbs 16:24 (New International Version)

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Exercise:

Which of these stereotypes do you feel like you’re desperately trying to fill:

Super Mom/Wife,

are you trying to be all and everything to your kids and epitomize those ‘perfect moms’ in the child care manuals your mother/aunt/mother-in-law handed you when you first fell pregnant? Or trying to live up to the ‘perfection that was his mother’?

Ultimate daughter/sister/mother/in law/ friend

(adult relationships),are you the unpaid psychologist/ undervalued personal nurse/shopper/caregiver of an adult member of your family?

Successful business woman or top student,

are you striving to be the business woman/high academic achiever of the year but not because it’s your dream?

Awesome housekeeper/personal shopper,

are you wondering if you should quit your job and start a new career as a housekeeper, at least you’ll get paid for all this cleaning then!?

Holy Christian, accountable and brilliant ministry leader,

are you striving to keep that ill fitting ‘perfect holy Christian’ mask on, keep it all together, keeping it all clean and still manage to produce the goods, all the while looking holy and righteous?

Unpaid super model!

are you always looking in the mirror and wondering if you look good enough? Whether it’s your skin, your waist line,your muscle tone, your clothing your make up or whatever, that gets you there?

Spend time in prayer asking God to show you where you've allowed the world or circumstance to force you to try and conform to a mold that doesn't really fit and actually isn't realistic. Talk to a friend about these stereotypes and discover that you're not alone!